to infinity and beyond

Tuesday, September 05, 2006' 9/05/2006 07:27:00 PM

Hie, long time no see.
I am mentally drained though i dont feel at all productive today despite having spent
my day from 10am to 5pm studying at the new bishan library. I was studying, i swear.
At the rate i'm going, i'm never getting into JC for the first 3 months.
Someone said smth today that totally brought my mood down.
I now feel so demoralised about the thing i'm most passionate about.
Maybe its already fated that i'll be a counter girl or a government servant in future.
Lead a normal life, with an average income, without anything new, eat, sleep, wake up the next day
just to realise everything is so routined. But what's wrong with that right?
I'll still survive at least. Food on the table and clothes to wear. Respectable job.
Maybe I should just give up on my passion since both are going no where right now.
Most probably not ever.
They are not, or shall I say they're never going to take me anywhere in life.
Might as well just give up on persuing. So much for diversity in career choices.
Even if i believe in myself, no one else does. Whats the point? People just give a vague
expression and a polite laugh almost as if to say ina subtle manner, dream on.
I say 'dream on' myself, but the worst feeling to have is the feeling of being put down after
gathering the motivation to have some self confidence and belief. So sometimes,
i dont get what some people are trying to get at when they tell me to believe in myself
and then later on when i do, they just let me down by simply putting me down.
If just a little support is too difficult to offer, then never try to advise another who already
lacks the support or courage to persue his or her dreams. Gosh.
I shall sell my organ and put my small guitar up for display purposes.
I shall use my pencil for its sole purpose per se, which is to write.

I digress;
Oh God, the Bishan library was more like a shopping centre/market than a library.
It was so crowded and packed with all kinds of people.
Singaporeans are really Kiasu, i must say.
I laughed at the sight of people borrowing practically a whole shelf of books for
their beloved children. As though Singapore never had a library.
Some even brought along with them huge paper bags to store the many books they borrowed.
Should have just brought a whole luggage bag or two right? More convenient with the rollers on.
I just dont get why they borrowed so many at one go, like a 'whilst stocks last ' kind of thing.
The library was like a kindergarten cum market. Even before it opened, there was a long queue
of people already anxiously waiting to get it to 'chop' seats.
Didnt see any packets of tissue or umbrellas on tables though.
Since Nas and I came a little late, we were one of the last in queue like 5 mins before the lib open.
Kiasu? Nah, just being practical. Hello, at least we didnt arrive there at like 9am to wait for the lib
to open at 10am. Or worse still, camp outside.
Oh well, the cafe was cosy and we had good seats after looking around.
Did some revision on Social Studies, Geog, and Amaths. Not really that productive though.
Especially since I was stuck on so many questions.

I really feel like crap now. I have decided to give up on my possible career paths
and just concentrate on my education. With any luck, i might actually get into a JC and then
move on from there after viewing pamphlets and brochures. After all, the most important thing is
to get hold of that degree. Not like dreams matter. I know it sounds uber corny but really,
it just dawned on me how important dreams are to some people and how heartbreaking it is
to realise that reality never coincides with dream itself.
Its time I wake up and move on with life.