to infinity and beyond

Friday, October 20, 2006' 10/20/2006 01:58:00 AM

Its 2am in the morning. My brother is shaving his hair and my mom, oh well, lets just say she has been worrying ever since she woke up 3hrs ago. My dad has gone to bed, only to realise later on that he cant sleep, hence he will later on, if I predict correctly, resort to watching TV as a form of lullaby. My mom cant stop nagging and pouring her feelings out, venting her anger at me because my darling sister refuses to pick up her mobile phone. I have been trying to console my mom saying that she probably fell asleep in school and that my mom should stop worrying lest she will only get more frustrated. It didn't work. She just kept on going about how an 'anak dara' which means a young lady/bachelorette shouldn't be coming home so late at night, or shall I say morning? The fact that my sister did not give a call or a message at least only aggravates the matter. I must say, my family is rather dysfunctional. At 2am in the morning, and everyone is still not at peace. Including me of course.

Olevels is in 10-11 days. Hrm, that was rather redundant. 10 to 11 days has only a difference of one day. Anyway, I feel very unprepared. And yet, it seems to me that I have not been putting in enough effort these past few days. In fact, I haven't been putting any effort at all. I don't know why, really. I just don't feel the pressure, AT ALL. It is indeed disturbing to know that my future depends on how much effort i put in for these last few days before I sit for the examination papers which begin on the 26th for SPA followed by 30th for my Higher Malay. Somehow, I can't get myself to start mugging my ass off and cram everything into my puny brain. The other day, Hanis my beloved cousin came to my house to study. She needed a little help for Emaths and I was free to offer her my assistance. I then realised why, after all these 4 years, I have been losing my confidence, putting myself down, feeling so very useless and that my disappearance would be a boon to the world and to my family. Rather depressing thoughts. I realised only then that the cause of all my misery and lack of contentment or excitement in my secondary school life is the very fact that I was always around people who are better than me at every bloody thing! Hanis, thank god you came. I felt good knowing that I could help someone in maths instead of my usual asking for help from others like 24/7.

The 6 years of my life that I spent in Primary school gave me confidence because I felt useful, as though I knew that my presence would be of some help or use for some people at the very least. I could help my friends; I had something to look forward to when I studied, such as prizes and certificates. Knowing that I was among the band 1 students, I looked forward to winning the 'Best in Malay' award at least. There was a drive that could push me and further motivate myself to study hard and achieve my goal. I had a whole lot of cash prizes, medals. I am most definitely not boasting. I'm just stating the facts that I once had those stuff. Hard earned with great effort.

Somehow, when I entered Anderson, I became a small fish in a very big pond. Despite my aggregate score, others who had lower than me were doing better than I did in Secondary school. And then it hit me that I could never beat those people. They were simply smart, or very smart! Then came the scholars as if the very big pond was not big enough for a small fry like me. Those years I spent in junior level were very fun indeed. Oh happy days. Then again, as i look back now, I had never achieved a single credit for whatever I did! Unlike in primary school, at the very least, I got praises for Artwork (which was mostly done by my sister actually, Lol). I even entered the International Art competition with the theme Peace and won the National for the Junior level- credit goes to the teacher who actually gave me a chance to enter. Pardon me; I'm starting to sound very, very braggy. Just trying to emphasize on how tragic my academic life has been for the past 4 years. In stark contrast to my primary school life, my secondary school life has never earned me any credit for whatever I did. Even in drama, I did make up work and sets for people, but I was not all that recognise by the teacher in charge. No one in particular. The fact that I joined drama in Secondary 1 was because I had passion for acting then. Until, yet again, I realised that there were so many better actors than me in drama club. I started feeling inferior and the fear of stage got worse as I started drawing myself from crowds and preferred to be the quiet girl who sits by the corner and minds her own business. After getting chances to perform, I decided, acting was not for me since the better actors like Masturah and Faris deserved the stage more than I did. So I turned to being a crew member. Well at least Art gave me a sense of satisfaction and hence, doing make up, face painting and set designs seemed more appealing. However, Art in Secondary school life was getting nowhere. To make matters worse, it was as though Anderson was the beginning of a nightmare when I later on found out that the school did not bloody offer Art as a subject for Olevels! You can imagine how devastated i was that day when Mrs Kamal announced to the class at the end of Secondary 2 year that it was the last time she was going to teach Art for us. I felt melancholic for days and I just couldn't stop cursing the school like, "****, *****, mother******" or "bloody *****!" Something like those. That was the day when academic life and achievements just started declining and school had no more meaning for me. Except of course to enjoy life with my beloved 2/3 mates and other close friends.

Subjects were just too difficult to handle and I felt as though my brain has started slowing down in progress. The great emphasis placed on the saying that "you shouldn't be complacent because some people are just late developers and they're catching up with you" just made matters worse because as days go by, I felt more and more useless. I felt as though I was one of the early developers and that the PSLE aggregate score that I was so very proud of for busting my ass off, was slowly becoming apparent to me that it was of no bloody use! And even now, people keep saying and reinforcing that PSLE was a bloody fluke. Every time I hear that, I would just agree and 'go with the flow' as they say because everyone was saying that they didn't study for PSLE. And then, it became quite obvious that I must have been rather stupid to have studied that hard for PSLE. I feel so cheated every time i hear people say that PSLE was a breeze, because it was not for me. And placing high hopes on getting a good grade made me feel like i had something to accomplish. It made me feel useful and smart for once. The only thing I have ever been proud of for the past 4 years is in fact my PSLE result. Now that I know how easy PSLE was for others, I feel quite dumb really. Very dumb. Cheated.

The beginning of Secondary School life marked the end of my academic achievements. Then, it was a present of ill omen for the future of my self-confidence and believes. For the present that has passed, the future that is now the present (I'm beginning to sound like an infusion of Days Of Our Lives and Dia, if you get what I mean) has only made me realise how much I have lost during those 4 years in Anderson Secondary School. I did not get a chance to take Art as one of my Olevel subjects- this I had dreamt of since primary5. I did not receive any certificates of great achievements, even in Malay, which use to be my niche. It is because of all the failures to achieve much that I have become a very dependant person who has the issue of inferiority complex and low self-confidence. Even efforts put in had been futile for the past years. Maybe I just haven't put in enough effort. But, how does one know how much effort is enough effort? How do I know if I have done my very best? I am just really sad about how life has turned out for me. It is no wonder that I don't have the motivation or drive and interest to study anymore. Even if it means my bloody future depends on it.

For the friends that I got and the friendship earned, I feel blessed to have such great people to always make sure I don't screw up my life. To my best mates Siti, Ain, Mas, Nas and my other close mates, I would like to thank you guys for you guys have always given the motivation and support when I needed them.
For the fact that I didn't get both Bio and Art as subjects for Olevel, I will forever curse the school for that.
For the subjects that I have now, I am in desperate need of a miracle from God to give me the strength and diligence so that I can achieve good grades for Olevels.For the great times the school have given me, I thank the school though I can't really recall specifically what.

That's all that I have for the morning. Feels great to let everything out. Till next time, Selamat Hari Raya!