One down, gazillion more to go.

I'm not feeling the puasa month at all right now.
Probably cos my off-days have been prolonged. It happens when my life becomes overly hectic and my body gets overworked. It's no wonder I've lost count of the number of days I have to pay back. I'm so not going to heaven.

Hari Raya is coming, and I'm not looking forward to it somehow.
With me being too busy with school to spend enough quality time with family,
with the family not being as complete as it used to be,
with no mood in the house to make any preparations for Raya,
with no Grandma's rendang or sambal goreng this year,
with Grandma bedridden and Granddad looking older and more shrivelled each time I meet him,
with no more jokes from Grandad like there used to be,
with nobody letting me know of any extended family gatherings,
with my dad refusing to attend buka at atok house on the first day of puasa for God knows what reason,
with family rivalries on Dad's side,
with one of my best cousins married and too busy juggling family and child to hang out with anymore,
with another one of my closest cousins too busy with life,
with my sister overseas in London too busy preparing for her first Art exhibition there to come back for Raya this year, with a sister whom you know is too busy trying to achieve her dreams else where to give a call to say hello
with no sister to make kueh suji and clean the room with,
with no sister to share my new insights with,
with no sister to fight over our favourite Puasa plate with,
with friends who are just as busy with the start of school and minding their own social lives,
with my brother always MIA due to NS,
with daunting thoughts of schoolwork and deadlines each day.

My birthday is coming, and I'm not looking forward to that either.
Everyone's too busy to notice anything these days.

My baju Raya is done, but I'm in no mood to check the fit, much less get excited about looking for accessories to accompany the look.

Mom told me once never to worry about money, and that my duty as a child is to study hard, that's all, everything else, she'll provide for.
But how come I can't seem to stop worrying about financial issues nowadays?
I think it's cos I've ran out of my own savings to spare for shopping, and any money I have from my parents, is meant for school. So each time I use them for other purposes, my conscience will start to burden me with guilt for splurging on the unnecessary.

This is the point where I start envying wealthy people, and start dreaming of being one someday. Just so that my child would have money for school, and money to shop without feeling guilty.